Sunday nite recap
Sooo much has happened since last posting.
I travelled to LA, and had my second interview, and then spent a lot of time on the water with some new and old friends.
I got the job.
I am filled with optimism and hope!
I have been on an online dating site for about a month now — a huge step for me because I have never legitimately “dated” in my life. (Not that I have actually gone on any dates — baby steps!)
I started drawing again. What I mean by this is I spontaneously drew a little comic and characters that represent actual peoples and feelings — spontaneous drawing is something I have had a massive “block” on for a good six or seven years. Don’t get me wrong I draw a shit ton for work, but almost never from impulse and channeling personal expression. This is like my creative juices trickling alive after a massive drought.
All in all, great signs.
On the flip side, I’ve had to take sleeping pills almost every night for the past month and feel an ulcer coming on due to anxiety around my upcoming move and the stresses of the new job. I have a wider range of responsibilities and although the company culture feels much much more balanced than my NY work, I am still a wreck about the possibility of my nephritis relapsing (or lupus activity coming out of remission in any major way) … which is my absolute worst nightmare at this point.
I’ve been totally trying to center myself and be present, but as it has in the past, my fear of the future has me in its unrelenting grip.
One day at a time …
Lupus Research Institute on Hill Advocating for Professional Training on Lupus
"… lupus patients often downplay pain and other symptoms to their physician and family and friends. Eighty-seven percent of those diagnosed with lupus report playing down symptoms to their families, and 52 percent said they minimize symptoms to their physician. Yet, almost three-fourths (72 percent) of physicians surveyed did not believe their patients minimized symptoms. The survey was conducted by research firm Roper on behalf ofHuman Genome Sciences and GlaxoSmithKline.” (via)
i am writing this with a low-grade fever and a scratchy throat, so forgive the errors that will betray my mental fogginess.
today, a few things happened. one, i had a phone interview for a new job in a new city i have not lived in before (which i will call the second major fashion epicenter of the united states), and two, i had a phone conversation with my ex who expressed what appeared to be genuine, earnest, real interest in getting back together.
i am managing my expectations for this job prospect (which i may / may not receive or accept) and especially wanted to manage expectations / shore up my integrity for the ex (i knew the conversation was coming because he wanted to “talk” while we both attended a wedding of mutual friends this past weekend).
here are what i feel are two opposing impulses — the new job, the fantasy of taking on a new, better, healthier life, starting fresh, gaining an independence i haven’t had for almost two years, and maybe finding a new boyfriend, VERSUS the ex beckoning me back into the same patterns and insularity i developed while we were a couple. but you know what? when my ex talked, i MELTED. i kick myself for how easily i run back to the comfort of an established relationship. i am exercising emotional detachment now, lest it be stockholm syndrome, pining for the perverse security of a previous captor …
here’s my thought process: well, he’s making the effort now (although he usually never calls me, ever), earnestly implying that, come the next step of his career, he will have more time for our relationship, and he’s telling me he’s pretty much going to be in LA for his film work more of the year so we’ll get to see each other — doesn’t it make sense to give him a second chance?
but this disregards the facts, which are: he dumped ME after about a year of a long-distance relationship, i may or may not be moving to LA anyway, and i still have doubts as to his reliability if, let’s say, i get seriously ill and/or incapacitated again in the future, particularly regarding personal habits and flaws of logic. i have to fill in some holes here.
for further discussion (when i’m not a grog-ball), i will ask him: what impelled you to express this desire to get back together after a period i know you were “in love” (as you stated) with another person (ie, did they reject you)? and do you remember the issues which led to the demise of our relationship and the amount of pain it caused me — do you expect me to have you back with open arms without acknowledging this? if so, how do you expect to systematically work towards repairing the relationship?
of course, the last question is to far into the future it feels irrelevant. and i feel so often in the past i was too “nice” and let him off the hook, that he stopped being fully aware of how his behavior affects other people and least of all, me and his family (because “we will always forgive him no matter what”).
these are all tough things i need to discuss with him when my mental faculties are functioning … or NOT discuss with him at all …
(remember my oath to myself to start dating again? yeah, i’ll describe this in the next post.)
Asians in the Ivory Tower: Dilemmas of Racial Inequality in American Higher Education - Robert T. Teranishi
Current Issues in Asian and Pacific American Eduction - Russell Endo, clara C. Park, and John Nobuya Tsuchida
Unraveling the “Model Minority” Stereotype: Listening to Asian American Youth - Stacey J. Lee
The Deathly Embrace: Orientalism and Asian American Identity - Sheng-Mei Ma
The Hyphenated American - John C. Papajohn
Model-Minority Imperialism - Victor Bascara
Chains of Babylon: The Rise of Asia America - Daryl J. Maeda
In Defense of Asian American Studies - Sucheng Chan
Playing the Race Card - George J. Sefa Dei, Leene Luke Karumanchery, and Nisha Karumanchery-Luik
Asian American Dreams - Helen Zia
Looks like I got some reading to catch up on.
- I want to have a job that doesn’t make me hate myself.
- I want a job that leaves me time to think for myself
- I want a job that doesn’t make we want to drink my weight in liquor by the half gallon
- I want a job that leaves me energy to get healthy and maintain my health
- I want a job that leaves me time and mental energy to read all the things I need to read…
Computer vision syndrome originated with office work, but the popularity of mobile devices is now straining the eyes in a different way, according to Dr. James E. Sheedy, director of the Vision Performance Institute at Pacific University in Oregon.
To avoid strain on mobile devices, Dr. Sheedy said, make the print size larger, read for shorter periods and employ the 20-20-20 rule. For every 20 minutes of using the device, take a 20-second eye break and look at something beyond 20 feet. “This gives your eyes time to relax,” he said. “It’s almost like flexing your muscles.”
If that does not work well enough, consider the glasses.
Woah, if you stare at no particular part of this picture, you see little black squares at the intersections of the white lines
Probably the worst thing anyones ever said about illness was that if you pray hard enough to god then you will be cured. And they said this on a Lupus forum I was on. I mean…really? How insensitive can you get?
Visibly disabled people have the advantage of not having to explain their condition…except for every other person on the street who asks “what’s wrong with you?”,or “Why are you using that (insert adaptive equipment of your choice)? Great comic though.